Cows, Constitution, Commandments

COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore. TEN

COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they are okay, then it's you.

I am a Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for awhile, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Unconventional Stress Relievers

The five methods below are some of those individual methods. While they may not be among the most common measures for relaxation and stress control, they do seem to work for many people. While none are recommended for severe burnout and stress-related illnesses, these practices might just make your stressful days a bit easier.

1. Sing. Lots of people swear by the power of music to release tension and stress. Sing in your car, in the shower, at home, or wherever you feel comfortable. It doesn't matter if you sing childhood jingles, show tunes, or Top 40. The point is to release inhibition and have fun. If you really want to release some energy, add some dance or mime steps. Afraid you'll feel silly? At least you won't feel stressed.

2. Try a repetitive activity such as knitting, crochet, pottery making, or anything with soothing movements. Don't worry about creating a masterpiece or even developing a skill - it's the process that's beneficial. Sitting calmly while performing repetitive movements is calming and stabilizing for many people. It can also be a valuable opportunity to collect your thoughts.

3. Start a garden. You don't need a large yard or even any yard. Apartment-dwellers can have a balcony garden or even an indoor "garden" of potted plants. Sure, there's work involved in the setup process, but tending plants and flowers and watching them grow, bloom, or yield fruit and vegetables is rewarding. Avid gardeners say working a garden is one of the best ways to control stress and worry. An added benefit is the creation of a more beautiful, restful environment.

4. Play with a dog or cat. Pet owners have longer lives and fewer stress symptoms than non-pet owners. It's hard to feel negative or tense when you're stroking a kitten or running with a dog. It's a form of social interaction with no pressure to meet anyone's expectations!

5. Gaze at the stars. Preferably in a still, dark, and quiet area, sit back and observe the heavens. If you're the academic type, try to identify some constellations and planets. If it's chilly out, wrap yourself in a blanket. Pondering the vastness of the universe in this way can make a lot of problems seem very small.

FRENCH LESSON

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House” for instance, is feminine – “la maison”. “Pencil”, however, is masculine – “le crayon”.

A student asked “What gender is “computer”? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender ”la computer” because – 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine – “le computer” because – 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on 2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won!!!

Why?

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
• Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
• Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
• Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
• Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
• How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
• In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
• And my FAVOURITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they are okay, then it's you.

Little Corella Lyrebird

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded " We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

"Then where did ya get the eye patch from?" the bartender then asked.

The pirate said " In a harbour I looked at a gull flying over head and it pottied right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you need an eye patch?"

"First day with the hook."

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"

Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

Humorous tome addresses
 unusual medical questions

NEW YORK - Have you ever wondered why your teeth chatter when you’re cold, or if you could really catch a disease from sitting on a toilet seat?

New York physician Billy Goldberg, pestered by unusual questions at cocktail parties and other social gatherings over the years, puts the public’s mind at ease in his book “Why Do Men Have Nipples?”

“It’s really remarkable how often you get accosted,” said Goldberg, 39. “There are the medical questions from family and friends, and then there are the drunk and outrageous questions where somebody wants to drop their pants and show you a rash or something.”

The book, subtitled, “Hundreds of Questions You’d Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini,” (Three Rivers Press), is co-authored by humorist Mark Leyner.

“People tend to know so little about their bodies as compared to their cars or their laptops,” said Leyner, 49, of Hoboken, New Jersey. “When I worked in a pharmacy in Washington, D.C., people would ask me medical questions all the time. I was just a 22-year-old cashier at Rite Aid.”

Chattering teeth is one way the body tries to generate heat.

When the body gets too cold, the area of the brain called the hypothalamus alerts the rest of the body to begin warming up. Shivering, the rapid muscle movement that generates heat, then begins. Teeth chattering represents localized shivering.

During the course of their research, Goldberg and Leyner found reports of gonorrhea, pinworm and roundworm found on toilet seats -- but catching something from it isn’t common.

The authors discovered that an office setting might be worse for your health than toilet seats. Charles Gerba, a microbiologist at the University of Arizona, found the typical office desk harbors some 400 times more disease-causing bacteria than the average toilet seat.

Goldberg had compiled a list of nagging questions for several years before embarking on the book after meeting Leyner. The two met while working on a short-lived ABC-TV medical drama, “Wonderland,” in which Leyner served as a writer, while Goldberg was its medical advisor.

Burning questions Some of the burning questions answered in the humorous book include “What causes morning breath?” and “Why do beans give you gas?”

Goldberg says morning breath results from anaerobic bacteria, the xerostomia (dry mouth) or the volatile sulfur compounds (which are waste products from the bacteria). Other contributing factors to foul oral odor includes medication, alcohol, sugar, smoking, caffeine, and eating dairy products.

Beans contain high percentages of sugars that our bodies are unable to digest, Goldberg explains. When the sugars make it to the intestines, bacteria go to work and start producing large amounts of gas.

And if you’re ever bitten by a poisonous snake, sucking at the bite to remove the poison, as often shown in the movies and on TV is not only ineffective, but could lead to an infection.

Instead, the bite should be washed with soap and water and immobilized. The bitten area should also be kept lower than the heart. Medical help should be sought immediately.

And why do men have nipples?

While only females have mammary glands, we all start out in a similar way in the embryo, the authors explain. The embryo follows a female template until about six weeks, when the male sex chromosome kicks in.

Men, however, have already developed nipples.

The Optimist & the Pessimist

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion.

One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out in a boat duck hunting.

This he did. They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck...the dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"

FAMILIES STICK TOGETHER NO MATTER
HOW FAR APART THEY ARE

Family sticks together no matter how far apart they are.

An old man lived alone in the Country. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Fred:

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over; you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad:

For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Fred

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad:

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Fred