Yesterday Scientists In The USA Revealed That Beer Contains Small Traces Of Female Hormones. To Prove Their Theory They Fed Men 12 Pints Of Beer And Observed That 100% Of Them Started Talking Nonsense And Couldn’t Drive.

There Was A Statistician Who Was Desperately Afraid To Fly Because Of The Possibility Of A Bomb On The Airplane. He Did A Great Deal Of Research And Found That There Had Never Been *Two* Bombs On An Airplane. So, He Just Took A Bomb With Him When Flying.

lyrebird territorial

• 1. Do Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers?

• 2. Why Isn't Phonetic Spelled The Way It Sounds?

• 3. Why Are There Interstates In Hawaii?

• 4. Why Are There Flotation Devices Under Plane Seats Instead Of Parachutes?

• 5. Why Are Cigarettes Sold At Gas Stations When Smoking Is Prohibited There?

• 6. Have You Ever Imagined A World With No Hypothetical Situations?

• 7. How Does The Guy Who Drives The Snowplough Get To Work?

• 8. If 7-11 Is Open 24 Hours A Day, 365 Days A Year, Why Are There Locks On The Doors?

• 9. If Nothing Ever Sticks To Teflon, How Do They Make Teflon Stick To The Pan?

• 1o. If Buttered Toast Always Lands Buttered Side Down And A Cat Always Lands On It's Feet, What Would Happen If You Tied A Piece Of Buttered Toast To The Back Of A Cat And Dropped It?

• 11. If You Are Driving At The Speed Of Light And Turn On Your Headlights, What Happens?

• 12. You Know How Most Packages Say "Open Here". What Should You Do If The Package Says, "Open Somewhere Else"?

• 13. Why Do They Put Braille Dots On The Keypad Of The Drive-Up ATM?

• 14. Why Do We Drive On Parkways And Park On Driveways?

• 15. Why Is It That When You Transport Something By Car, It's Called A Shipment, But When You Transport Something By Ship It's Called Cargo?

• 16. You Know That Little Indestructible Black Box That Is Used On Planes? Why Can't They Make The Whole Plane Out Of The Same Material?

• I7. Why Is It That When You're Driving And Looking For An Address, You Turn The Stereo Down?

• 18. Why Don't Sheep Shrink When It Rains?

• 19. Why Are They Called Apartments When They're All Stuck Together?

• 20. What Does Geronimo Say When He Jumps Out Of A Plane?

• 21. If Fire Fighters Fight Fires And Crime Fighters Fight Crime, What Do Freedom Fighters Fight?

• 22. If Con Is The Opposite Of Pro, Is Congress The Opposite Of Progress?

• 23. If Olive Oil Comes From Olives, Where Does Baby Oil Come From?

• 24. Why Does Your Nose Run And Your Feet Smell?

• 25. Why Is Abbreviation Such A Long Word?

Said John To Mary, "I'll Bet You Ten Cents I Can Kiss You On The Lips Without Touching Them."
"You're Crazy," Said Mary." That's Impossible. Here's A Dime That Says You Can't."
The Two Dimes Were Placed On The Mantelpiece And John Then Enfolded Mary And For Ten Minutes Kissed Her Passionately, Intimately, And Moistly.
She Broke Away At Last, Panting And Dishevelled, And Said, "You Did Nothing But Touch My Lips."

John Pushed The Dimes Toward Her And Said, "So I Lose."

• For Weeks A Six-Year-Old Lad Kept Telling His First-Grade
• Teacher About The Baby Brother Or Sister That Was Expected At His House.
• One Day The Mother Allowed The Boy To Feel The Movements Of The Unborn
• Child. The Six-Year-Old Was Obviously Impressed, But Made No Comment.
• Furthermore, He Stopped Telling His Teacher About The Impending Event.
• The Teacher Finally Sat The Boy On Her Lap And Said, "Tommy, Whatever
• Has Become Of That Baby Brother Or Sister You Were Expecting At Home?"
• Tommy Burst Into Tears And Confessed, "I Think Mommy Ate It!"

definition of Windows

Windows 95: N. 32 Bit Extensions
And A Graphical Shell For A 16 Bit Patch To An 8 Bit Operating System Originally Coded For A 4 Bit Microprocessor, Written By A 2 Bit Company, Than Can't Stand 1 Bit Of Competition.

• Indicators: Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
• Bonnet: Pullnob Und Knucklechoppen
• Exhaust: Spitzenpoppenhangentuben
• Speedometer: Der Egobooster Und Linenshooter
• Clutch: Die Kuplink Mit Achlippen Und Schaken
• Puncture: Die Phlatt Mit Bludyfucken
• Learner: Die Twatten Mit Elplate
• Estate Car: Der Bagzeroomfurshagginaute
• Parking Meter: Der Tennarpinscher Und Zlochenarr
• Windscreen Wiper: Der Flippenflappenmuckenschpredder
• Power Brakes: Der Edbangeronvinschreen Stoppenquick
• Gear Lever: Biggensticken Fur Kangaroochoppen
• Fuel Gauge: Der Walletemptyung Meter
• Breathalyser: Die Puffitinter Fur Pistenarsen
• Rear View Mirror: Der Yonkunter Ist Tooklosan
• Seat Belt: Der Klunkenklikken Frauleinstrapper
• Headlights: Das Dippendontdazzelubasted
• Exhaust Fumes: Die Koffundschplitterpoluter
• Highway Code: Der Wipen Fur Arsen
• Traffic Jam: Die Bluddifuckin Dammundblast
• Rear Seat: Der Schpringentester
• Tyres: Flatfahrts
• Backfire: Der Lowdenbangermekkenjumpen
• Accident: Das Bleedinkmess
• Garage: Der Hieway Robberung
• Cyclist: Der Peddallpushink Pilloken
• Skid: Die Bannanen Waltzen
• Double White Lines: Overtaken Und Krunchen.

What Causes Arthritis?

A Man Who Smelled Like A Distillery Flopped Down On A Subway Seat Next To A Priest. The Man's Tie Was Stained, His Face Was Plastered With Red Lipstick, And A Half Empty Bottle Of Gin Was Sticking Out Of His Torn Coat Pocket. He Opened His Newspaper And Began Reading. After A Few Minutes The Dishevelled Guy Turned To The Priest And Asked,

"Say, Father, What Causes Arthritis?""

"Mister," Replied The Priest, "It's Caused By Loose Living, Being With Cheap, Wicked Women, Too Much Alcohol, And A Contempt For Your Fellow Man."

"Well, I'll Be! ", The Drunk Muttered, Returning To His Paper. The Priest, Thinking About What He Has Said, Nudged The Man And Apologized.

"I'm Very Sorry. I Didn't Mean To Come On So Strong. How Long Have You Had Arthritis?"

"I Don't Have It, Father. I Was Just Reading In The Newspaper That The Pope Does."

If You Don't Get It, This Just May Be Your Diary.

• Diary Of An Aol User.

• July 18 -

• I Just Tried To Connect To America Online. I've Heard It Is The Best Online Service I Can Get. They Even Included A Free Disk! I'd Better Hold Onto It In case They Don't Ever Send Me Another One! I Can't Connect. I Don't Know What Is Wrong.

• July 19 -

• Some Guy At The Tech Support Centre Says My Computer Needs A Modem. I Don't See Why. He's Just Trying To Cheat Me. How Dumb Does He Think I Am?

• July 22 -

• I Bought The Modem. I Couldn't Figure Out Where It Goes. It Wouldn't Fit In The Monitor Or The Printer. I'm Confused.

• July 23 -

• I Finally Got The Modem In And Hooked Up. That Nine Year Old Next Door Did It For Me. But It Still Don't Work. I Cant Get Online.

• July 25 -

• That Nine Year Old Kid Next Door Hooked Me Up To America Online For Me. He's So Smart. I Told The Kid He Was A Prodigy. But He Says That's Just Another Service. What A Modest Kid. He's So Smart And He Does These Services For People. Anyway He's Smarter Then The Jerks Who Sold Me The Modem. They Didn't Even Tell Me About Communications Software. Bet They Didn't Know. And Why Do They Put Two Telephone Jack Holes In The Back Of A Modem When You Only Need One? And Why Do They Have One Labelled Phone When You Are Not Suppose To Hook It To The Phone Jack On The Wall? I Thought The Dial Tone Sounded Funny! Boy, Are Modem Makers Dumb! But The Kid Figured It Out By The Sound.

• July 26 -

• What's The Internet? I Thought I Was On America Online. Not This Internet Thing. I'm Confused.

• July 27 -

• The Nine Year Old Kid Next Door Showed Me How To Use This America Online Stuff. I Told Him He Must Be A Genius. He Says That He Is Compared To Me. Maybe He's Not So Modest After All.

• July 28 -

• I Tried To Use Chat Today. I Tried To Talk Into My Computer But Nothing Happened. Maybe I Need To Buy A Microphone.

• July 29 -

• I Found This Thing Called Usenet. I Got Out Of It Because I'm Connected To America Online Not Usenet.

• July 30 -

• These People In This Usenet Thing Keep Using Capital Letters. How Do They Do That? I Never Figured Out How To Type Capital Letters. Maybe They Have A Different Type Of Keyboard.

• July 31 -

• I Called The Computer Maker I Bought It From To Complain About Not Having A Capitol Letter Key. The Tech Support Guy Said It Was This Caps Lock Key. Why Didn't They Spell It Out? I Told Him I Got A Cheap Keyboard And Wanted A Better One. And One Of My Shift Keys Isn't The Same Size As The Other. He Said That's A Standard. I Told Him I Didn't Want A Standard Keyboard But Another Brand. I Must Have Had An Important Complaint Because I Heard Him Tell The Other Support Guys To Listen In On Our Conversation.

• August 1 -

• I Found This Thing Called The Usenet Oracle. It Says That It Can Answer Any Questions I Ask It. I Sent It 44 Separate Questions About The Internet. I Hope It Responds Soon.

• August 2 -

• I Found A Group Called Rec.Humor. I Decided To Post This Joke About The Chicken That Crossed The Road. To Get To The Other Side! Ha! Ha! I Wasn't Sure I Posted It Right So I Posted It 56 More Times.

• August 3 -

• I Keep Hearing About The World Wide Web. I Don't Now Spiders Grew That Large.

• August 4 -

• The Oracle Responded To My Questions Today. Geez It Was Rude. I Was So Angry That I Posted An Angry Message About It To Rec.Humor.Oracle. I Wasn't Sure If I Posted Right So I Posted It 22 More Times.

• August 5 -

• Someone Told Me To Read The Faq. Geez They Didn't Have To Use Profanity.

• August 6 -

• Someone Else Told Me To Stop Shouting In All My Messages. What A Stupid Jerk. Im Not Shouting! Im Not Even Talking! Just Typing! How Can They Let These Rude Jerks Go On The Internet?

• August 7 -

• Why Have A Caps Lock Key If You're Not Suppose To Use It? Its Probably An Extra Feature That Costs More Money.

• August 8 -

• I Just Read This Post Called Make Money Fast. I'm So Exited. I'm Going To Make Lots Of Money. I Followed His Instructions And Posted It To Every Newsgroup I Could Find.

• August 9 -

• I Just Made My Signature File. Its Only 6 Pages Long. I Will Have To Work On It Some More.

• August 10 -

• I Just Looked At A Group Called Alt.Aol.Sucks. I Read A Few Posts And I Really Believe That Aol Should Be Wiped Off The Face Of The Earth. I Wonder What An Aol Is.

• August 11 -

• I Was Asking Where To Find Some Information About Something. Some Guy Told Me To Check Out Ftp.Netcom.Com. I've Looked And Looked But I Can't Find That Group.

• August 12 -

• I Sent A Post To Every Usenet Group On The Internet Asking Where The Ftp.Netcom.Com Is. Hopefully Someone Will Help. I Cant Ask The Kid Next Door. His Parents Said That When He Comes Back From My House He's Laughing So Hard He Can't Eat Or Sleep Or Do His Homework. So They Wont Let Him Come Over Anymore. I Do Have A Great Sense Of Humor. I Don't Know Why The Rec.Humor Group Didn't Like My Chicken Joke. Maybe They Only Like Dirty Stuff. Some People Sent Me Posts About My 56 Posts Of The Joke And They Used Bad Words.

• August 13 -

• I Sent Another Post To Every Usenet Group On The Internet Asking Where The Ftp.Netcom.Com Is. I Had Forgot Yesterday To Include My New Signature File Which Is Only 8 Pages Long. I Know Everyone Will Want To Read My Favourite Poem So I Included It. I'm Also Going To Add That Short Story I Like.

• August 14 -

• Some Guy Suspended My Account Because Of What I Was Doing. I Told Him I Don't Have An Account At His Bank. He's So Dumb

A Software Engineer, A Hardware Engineer And A Departmental Manager Were On Their Way To A Meeting In Switzerland. They Were Driving Down A Steep Mountain Road When Suddenly The Brakes On Their Car Failed. The Car Careened Almost Out Of Control Down The Road, Bouncing Off The Crash Barriers, Until It Miraculously Ground To A Halt, Scraping Along The Mountainside. The Car's Occupants, Shaken But Unhurt, Now Had A Problem: They Were Stuck Halfway Down A Mountain In A Car With No Brakes. What Were They To Do?

"I Know", Said The Departmental Manager, "Let's Have A Meeting, Propose A Vision, Formulate A Mission Statement, Define Some Goals, And By A Process Of Continuous Improvement Find A Solution To The Critical Problems, And We Can Be On Our Way."

"No, No", Said The Hardware Engineer, "That Will Take Far Too Long, And Besides, That Method Has Never Worked Before. I've Got My Swiss Army Knife With Me, And In No Time At All I Can Strip Down The Car's Braking System, Isolate The Fault, Fix It, And We Can Be On Our Way."

"Well", Said The Software Engineer, "Before We Do Anything, I Think We Should Push The Car Back Up The Road And See If It Happens Again

Every Development Manager Should Know
How To Interpret Development Status:

What Developers Say: What It Means

• Essentially Complete:
• It's Half Done
• Schedule Exposure:
• It Slipped Three Weeks Ago
• We Predict:
• We Hope To God
• Screen Design Is Lagging:
• Not A Single Screen Exists
• Risk Is High But Acceptable:
• 0 To 1 Odds Or, With 10 Times The Budget And 10 Times The People, We Stand A 50/50 Chance
• Potential Show Stopper:
• The Team Has Updated Their Resumes
• Serious But Not Insurmountable Problems:
• It'll Take A Miracle
• Basic Agreement Has Been Reached:
• The &%$#@'S Won't Even Talk To = Us
• Results Are Being Quantified:
• We're Massaging The Numbers So That They Will Agree With Our Conclusions
• Task Force To Review:
• Seven People Who Are Incompetent At Their Regular Jobs Have Been Loaned To The Project
• Not Well Defined:
• Nobody's Even Thought About It
• Not Well Understood:
• Now That We've Thought About It, We Don't Want To Think About It Anymore
• Requires Further Analysis:
• Totally Out Of Control And Management
• Results Are Encouraging:
• Power-On Produced No Smoke

Chicken Launcher

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from Feathers, the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story.

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer's chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken".

What we learn after we know it all, is what counts!

• The trouble with experience as a teacher ... is that the test comes first ... and the lesson afterward!
• Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from NOT reading it!
• The difference between smart people and dumb people isn't that smart people don't make mistakes. They just don't keep making the same mistake over and over again!
• THE ROAD TO WISDOM?
• WELL, IT'S PLAIN AND SIMPLE TO EXPRESS ...
• TO ERR, AND ERR
• AND ERR AGAIN ...
• BUT, LESS
• AND LESS
• AND LESS !

Attn management of PC Pro
Please take the appropriate actions to defend your clients machine against these new computer viruses:

• Oprah Winfrey Virus--Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB. This cycle continues ad nauseum.

• Politically Correct Virus--Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

• Right to Life Virus--Won't allow you to delete any file. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.

• Ross Perot Virus--Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

• Bill Clinton Virus--Can never decide what it really wants, but while it is deciding it will create and then delete thousands of pieces of code affecting every aspect of your computer's operation, all the while saying "I feel your pain".

• Ted Turner Virus--Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

• Government Economist Virus--Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

• Federal Bureaucrat Virus--Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

• AT&T Virus--Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

• MCI Virus--Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

• Sprint Virus--Every 3 minutes it tells you that it's better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.

• PBS Virus--Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

• Health Care Virus--Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

• Redneck Virus--Marries you to your own mother-board. Converts all your icons to pick-ups with gun-racks.

• John Bobbit Virus--Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)

• Denver Broncos Virus--Makes your Pentium 133 computer perform like a 12 MHz 286 computer.

• LAPD Virus--Claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

• OJ Virus--Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.

There was a blonde

....flying from la to San Francisco economy class

She sat in first class so the stewardess approached her and said 'you Cannot Sit in first class’ she replied 'I’m blonde and beautiful and I can do anything I like' So the stewardess had a word with the male steward and he approached her And Said 'you can't sit in first class as you have an economy ticket' she Replied I’m blonde and beautiful and I can sit anywhere I like' Therefore, they decided to ask the captain to speak to her. When the captain approached her and said, "you cannot sit in first class as you only have an economy ticket" she replied "I’m blonde and beautiful and I can do anything I like" So the captain whispered in her ear and she quickly went to The Rear of the plane and the airline staff asked the captain 'what did you Say To her"

He replied "I just told her that first class is not going to San Francisco!

Tired of asking the same old questions
of the day's arrivals,

• Saint Peter decided to ask about their automobiles. When asked what kind of car he'd driven, one said, "A Toyota." Saint Peter pushed a button and the applicant fell through a hole into the fiery depths below. A second drove a Mercedes. He too went down through the hole. A third said, "I drove a Chevy." Saint Peter opened the gates wide. "Come on in," he said. " You've been through hell already!"

• A girl involved with the women's lib movement boarded a crowded bus and one man rose to his feet. "No, you must not give up your seat. I insist," she said. "You may insist as much as you like, Lady," was the reply. "This is my stop."

• Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived happily ever after.

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

3. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. 7. Shave.

8. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. 14. One word: Flatulence!

15. 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

18. 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19. 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. 20. Meow occasionally.

21. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. 22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

23. 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. 24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

25. 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. 28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

29. 29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

32. 32. Start a sing-along.

33. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

34. 34. Play the harmonica.

35. 35. Shadow box.

36. 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

37. 37. Lean against the button panel.

38. 38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

39. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. 41. Bring a chair along.

42. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see whain muh mouf?"

43. 43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. 49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

50. 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

The following story appeared in the Sarasota
(Florida) Times newspaper on 2 June 1997!!!

"A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle."

The following is actual dialog of a fired
WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

	"Ridge Hall computer assistant, may I help you?"
	"Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect."
	"What sort of trouble?"
	"Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away."
	"Went away?"
	"They disappeared."
	"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
	"Nothing."
	"Nothing?"
	"It’s blank, it won’t accept anything when I type."
	"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
	How do I tell?"
	"Can you see the C prompt on the screen?"
	What’s a sea-prompt?"
	"Never mind. Can you mover the cursor around on the screen?"
	"There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.
	"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
	"What’s a monitor?"
	It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?"
	"I don’t know."
	"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
	"Yes, I think so."
	"Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall."
	"Yes, it is."
	"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
	"NO."
	"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
	"Okay, here it is."
	"Follow it for me and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer"
	I can’t reach."
	"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
	"No."
	"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
	"Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.
	"Dark?"
	"Yes-the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
	"Well, turn on the office light then."
	"I can’t."
	"No? Why not?"
	"Because there’s a power outage."
	"A power.... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
	"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
	"Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
	"Really. Is it that bad?"
	"Yes, I’m afraid it is."
	"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
	"Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer."

• Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

• AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

• Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels

• Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

• Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

• Another Dell technician got a call that customer say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

• Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man replied, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

• Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water, then soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

• A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

• An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech support couldn't get her Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button? Her response "I pushed and pushed on the this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computers mouse!

• Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

SUPPOSE EDGAR ALLAN POE HAD USED A COMPUTER:

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.

Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more. Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Timidly I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard--I pressed again, but twice ashard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes. What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Author Unknown

Wishes Come True

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when - all of a sudden - a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

POOF !

Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

POOF !

She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

POOF !

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear :

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

For centuries this question been has debated by those who have nothing better to do. In an attempt to put a stop to this human folly (Do chickens care?) the REAL GAUL READER SERVICE once again rises to the occasion and brings every opinion we could find on the subject, like you should care (?). As Lexie Klimasara would say. "This is totally uncensored.", we say, draw your own conclusions.

• Pat Buchanan: "To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American."

• Machiavelli: "The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was."

• John Locke: "Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty."

• Albert Camus: "It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him."

• The Bible (Zedikial 4:11): "A voice from heaven was heard and it spaketh to unto the Chicken, ‘Thou shalt cross the road.’ And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing."

• Fox Mulder: "It was a government conspiracy."

• Freud: "The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity."

• Darwin: "Chickens over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads."

• Richard M. Nixon: "The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road."

• Oliver Stone: "The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?

• Jerry Seinfeld:

• "Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?":

• The Pope: "That is only for God to know."

• Louis Farrakhan: "The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down."

• Martin Luther King, Jr.: v" I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.:

• Immanuel Kant: " The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will."

• Grandpa: "In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us."

• Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): "I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom."

• Erich Maria Remarque: "The chicken crossed the road because, after his experience with war, he no longer felt at home in his home."

• Bill Gates: "I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your chequebook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999."

• M.C.Escher: "That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time."

• George Orwell: "Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests."

• Colonel Sanders: "I missed one?"

• Plato: "For the greater good."

• Karl Marx: "It was a historical inevitability."

• Nietzsche: "Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you."

• B.F. Skinner: "Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will."

• Jean-Paul Sartre: " In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road."

• Albert Einstein: " Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference."

• Pyrrho the Skeptic: "What road?"

• The Sphinx: "You tell me."

• Buddha: " If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature."

• Emily Dickenson: "Because it could not stop for death."

• Ralph Waldo Emerson: "It didn't cross the road; it transcended it."

• Ernest Hemingway: "To die. In the rain."

• Mark Twain: "The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated."

Preparation for parenthood

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5 pm to 10 pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 Ibs. at 10 pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 am. Put the alarm on for 3 am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3 am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Put the alarm on for 5 am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. - There!, Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.

"Jesus is watching you."

• A burglar is sneaking through a dark house when he hears a voice say "Jesus is watching you." He stops, furtively glancing around, but seeing nothing.
• Again he hears the voice. "Jesus is watching you." He looks around very carefully, and this time notices a parrot on a stand in the corner. He sneaks over toward the parrot, and whispers "Was that you?"
• The parrot replies "Yes."
• The burglar is somewhat relieved to discover that it is just a parrot, so he asks the parrot "What's your name?"
• "Mortimer," replies the parrot.
• "Mortimer?" asks the burglar. "Who gave you such a stupid name?"
• The parrot replies "The same person who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

• For Weeks A Six-Year-Old Lad Kept Telling His First-Grade

• Teacher About The Baby Brother Or Sister That Was Expected At His House.

• One Day The Mother Allowed The Boy To Feel The Movements Of The Unborn

• Child. The Six-Year-Old Was Obviously Impressed, But Made No Comment.

• Furthermore, He Stopped Telling His Teacher About The Impending Event.

• The Teacher Finally Sat The Boy On Her Lap And Said, "Tommy, Whatever

• Has Become Of That Baby Brother Or Sister You Were Expecting At Home?"

• Tommy Burst Into Tears And Confessed, "I Think Mommy Ate It!"