If you have help desk or technical experience you cry
laughing at this, otherwise it’ll go over your head like a 747
* Monday
8:05 am User called to say they forgot password. Told
them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully
ignorant, they thank me and hang up. AND WE LET PEOPLE VOTE & DRIVE,
TOO?
8:12 am Accounting called to say they couldn’t access
expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112,
"Well it works for me" Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my
coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested
they try it again. One more happy customer.
8:14 am User from 8:05 call said they received error
message "Error accessing Drive 0. "Told them it was an OS problem.
Transferred them to micro support.
11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours Decided
to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents
are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her
to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst"
and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!
11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?)
Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so nobody
but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL.
Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm Lunch
3:30 pm Return from lunch.
3:55 pm Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky.
Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.
4:23 pm Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to
change fonts on form. Ask what chip set they’re using. Tell them to call
back when they find out.
4:55 pm Decide to run "Create Save/Replication
Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.
* Tuesday
8:30 am Finish reading support log from last night.
Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 am Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my
attitude. Click on Phone Notes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put
something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support
lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 pm Team leader from R&D needs ID for new
employee. Tell them they need form J-19R?9\\DARR\K1. Says they never
heard of such a form. Tell them it’s in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say
they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet
in basement.
10:00 am Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and
says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name,
manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole
board database, Centres for Disease Control database, and my Oprah
Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing
from the lessons learned in last week’s "Reengineering for Customer
Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07 am Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting
strange calls in basement Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let
him watch console while I grab a smoke.
1:00 pm Return from smoking break. Janitor says
phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like
this guy.
1:05 pm Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole
left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him
importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "FIRE!!!"
1:15 pm Development Standards Committee calls and
complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the
inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global
search/replace using gaks.
1:20 pm Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she
keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she’s not
sure, couldn’t hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was
probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product?
She thinks about it and hangs up.
2:00 pm Legal secretary calls and says she lost
password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom
counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she
put duct tape over all the air vents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly
offer to create new ID for her while she does that.
2:49 pm Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I
take off rest of day.
* Wednesday
8:30 am Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing
to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been
checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to
office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk
to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them
manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 am Call Louie in janitorial services to cover
for me. Go to support manager’s office. He says he can’t dismiss me but
can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements
in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By
and by, I ask if he’s aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed
random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and
Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is
adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30 am Tell Louie he’s doing great job. Offer to
show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.
11:00 am Lunch.
4:55 pm Return from lunch.
5:00 pm Shift change; Going home.
* Thursday
8:00 am New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice
plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical
library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs
the same in both monochrome and colour.
8:45 am New guy’s PC finishes booting up. Tell him
I’ll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab
smoke.
9:30 am Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin.
"Nice plaids" Louie comments, Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 am Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves.
Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls,
says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna
(better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again.
Another happy customer!
11:55 am Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01:
"Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in ‘Y’ shall enjoy
all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to
provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift."
Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of
work, if I say so myself!) "Remember, that’s DOUBLE pepperoni and NO
peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to
exit door.
1:00 pm Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy ...
4:30 pm Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin
scanning want ads.
5:00 pm Shift change. Flick HR’s server off and on
several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
* Friday
8:00 am Night shift still trying to replace power
supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.
9:00 am Marvin still not here. Decide I might start
answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 am Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can’t
replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it’s sunspots. Tell them to
call Telecommunications.
9:30 am Good God, another user! They’re like ants.
Says he’s in San Diego and can’t replicate with Des Moines. Tell him
it’s sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time
on the server back 2 hours.
10:17 am Pensacola calls. Says they can’t route mail
to San Diego.Tell them to set server ahead three hours.
11:00 am E-mail from corporate says for everybody to
quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and
forward it to Milwaukee
11:20 am Finish @Coffee Make macro. Put phone back on
hook.
11:23 am Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 am Support manager stops by to say Marvin
called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support
manager says he has appointment with orthopaedic doctor this afternoon,
and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for
him. "No problem!"
11:30 am Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks
and he’s invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring
your snuff" I tell him.
12:00 am Lunch.
1:00 pm Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them
to device NULL to make them fast.
1:03 pm Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern
technology!
2:30 pm Look in support manager’s contact management
database. Cancel.
2:35 pm Appointment for him. He really should be at
home resting, you know.
2:39 pm New user calls. Says want to learn how to
create a connection document. Tell them to run connection
document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call
micro support.
2:50 pm Support manager calls to say mix-up at
doctor’s office means appointment cancelled. Says he’s just going to go
on home. Ask him if he’s seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pm Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic
macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula.
Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:00 pm Finish changing foreground color in all
documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 pm User calls to say they can’t see anything in
documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit-Select All", hit delete
key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says
so.
4:45 pm Another user calls. Says they can’t read help
documents. Tell them I’ll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58 pm Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see
what happens. Not (too) much.
5:00 pm Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is
acting funny and to have a good weekend.
Every Development Manager Should Know How To
Interpret Development Status:
What Developers Say:
What It Means
Essentially Complete:
It's Half Done
Schedule Exposure:
It Slipped Three Weeks Ago
We Predict:
We Hope To God
Screen Design Is Lagging:
Not A Single Screen Exists
Risk Is High But Acceptable:
0 To 1 Odds Or, With 10 Times The Budget And 10 Times
The People, We Stand A 50/50 Chance
Potential Show Stopper:
The Team Has Updated Their Resumes
Serious But Not Insurmountable Problems:
It'll Take A Miracle
Basic Agreement Has Been Reached:
The &%$#@'S Won't Even Talk To = Us
Results Are Being Quantified:
We're Massaging The Numbers So That They Will Agree
With Our Conclusions
Task Force To Review:
Seven People Who Are Incompetent At Their Regular
Jobs Have Been Loaned To The Project
Not Well Defined:
Nobody's Even Thought About It
Not Well Understood:
Now That We've Thought About It, We Don't Want To
Think About It Anymore
Requires Further Analysis:
Totally Out Of Control And Management
Results Are Encouraging:
Power-On Produced No Smoke
WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE
THEY BUY COMPUTERS?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people
who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .
HELPLINE: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help
you?
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and
nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot
and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current
from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come
I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
---------------------------------------
HELPLINE: "General Motors Help Line, how can I
help you?
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it
won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.'
Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that
mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline
vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or
pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now
you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a
car that comes with everything built in!"
----------------------------------------
HELPLINE: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help
you?
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the
accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a
while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the
product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest
version that doesn't crash anymore!"
--------------------------------------------
HELPLINE: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help
you?
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I
chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help
you?
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to
go places in my car!"
If You Don't Get It, This Just May Be Your Diary.
Diary Of An AOL User.
July 18 -
I Just Tried To Connect To America Online. I've Heard
It Is The Best Online Service I Can Get. They Even Included A Free Disk!
I'd Better Hold Onto It In case They Don't Ever Send Me Another One! I
Can't Connect. I Don't Know What Is Wrong.
July 19 -
Some Guy At The Tech Support Centre Says My Computer
Needs A Modem. I Don't See Why. He's Just Trying To Cheat Me. How Dumb
Does He Think I Am?
July 22 -
I Bought The Modem. I Couldn't Figure Out Where It
Goes. It Wouldn't Fit In The Monitor Or The Printer. I'm Confused.
July 23 -
I Finally Got The Modem In And Hooked Up. That Nine
Year Old Next Door Did It For Me. But It Still Don't Work. I Cant Get
Online.
July 25 -
That Nine Year Old Kid Next Door Hooked Me Up To
America Online For Me. He's So Smart. I Told The Kid He Was A Prodigy.
But He Says That's Just Another Service. What A Modest Kid. He's So
Smart And He Does These Services For People. Anyway He's Smarter Then
The Jerks Who Sold Me The Modem. They Didn't Even Tell Me About
Communications Software. Bet They Didn't Know. And Why Do They Put Two
Telephone Jack Holes In The Back Of A Modem When You Only Need One? And
Why Do They Have One Labelled Phone When You Are Not Suppose To Hook It
To The Phone Jack On The Wall? I Thought The Dial Tone Sounded Funny!
Boy, Are Modem Makers Dumb! But The Kid Figured It Out By The Sound.
July 26 -
What's The Internet? I Thought I Was On America
Online. Not This Internet Thing. I'm Confused.
July 27 -
The Nine Year Old Kid Next Door Showed Me How To Use
This America Online Stuff. I Told Him He Must Be A Genius. He Says That
He Is Compared To Me. Maybe He's Not So Modest After All.
July 28 -
I Tried To Use Chat Today. I Tried To Talk Into My
Computer But Nothing Happened. Maybe I Need To Buy A Microphone.
July 29 -
I Found This Thing Called Usenet. I Got Out Of It
Because I'm Connected To America Online Not Usenet.
July 30 -
These People In This Usenet Thing Keep Using Capital
Letters. How Do They Do That? I Never Figured Out How To Type Capital
Letters. Maybe They Have A Different Type Of Keyboard.
July 31 -
I Called The Computer Maker I Bought It From To
Complain About Not Having A Capitol Letter Key. The Tech Support Guy
Said It Was This Caps Lock Key. Why Didn't They Spell It Out? I Told Him
I Got A Cheap Keyboard And Wanted A Better One. And One Of My Shift Keys
Isn't The Same Size As The Other. He Said That's A Standard. I Told Him I
Didn't Want A Standard Keyboard But Another Brand. I Must Have Had An
Important Complaint Because I Heard Him Tell The Other Support Guys To
Listen In On Our Conversation.
August 1 -
I Found This Thing Called The Usenet Oracle. It Says
That It Can Answer Any Questions I Ask It. I Sent It 44 Separate
Questions About The Internet. I Hope It Responds Soon.
August 2 -
I Found A Group Called Rec.Humor. I Decided To Post
This Joke About The Chicken That Crossed The Road. To Get To The Other
Side! Ha! Ha! I Wasn't Sure I Posted It Right So I Posted It 56 More
Times.
August 3 -
I Keep Hearing About The World Wide Web. I Don't Now
Spiders Grew That Large.
August 4 -
The Oracle Responded To My Questions Today. Geez It
Was Rude. I Was So Angry That I Posted An Angry Message About It To
Rec.Humor.Oracle. I Wasn't Sure If I Posted Right So I Posted It 22 More
Times.
August 5 -
Someone Told Me To Read The FAQs. Geez They Didn't
Have To Use Profanity.
August 6 -
Someone Else Told Me To Stop Shouting In All My
Messages. What A Stupid Jerk. Im Not Shouting! Im Not Even Talking! Just
Typing! How Can They Let These Rude Jerks Go On The Internet?
August 7 -
Why Have A Caps Lock Key If You're Not Suppose To Use
It? Its Probably An Extra Feature That Costs More Money.
August 8 -
I Just Read This Post Called Make Money Fast. I'm So
Exited. I'm Going To Make Lots Of Money. I Followed His Instructions And
Posted It To Every Newsgroup I Could Find.
August 9 -
I Just Made My Signature File. Its Only 6 Pages Long.
I Will Have To Work On It Some More.
August 10 -
I Just Looked At A Group Called Alt.Aol.Sucks. I Read
A Few Posts And I Really Believe That AOL Should Be Wiped Off The Face
Of The Earth. I Wonder What An AOL Is.
August 11 -
I Was Asking Where To Find Some Information About
Something. Some Guy Told Me To Check Out Ftp.Netcom.Com. I've Looked And
Looked But I Can't Find That Group.
August 12 -
I Sent A Post To Every Usenet Group On The Internet
Asking Where The Ftp.Netcom.Com Is. Hopefully Someone Will Help. I Cant
Ask The Kid Next Door. His Parents Said That When He Comes Back From My
House He's Laughing So Hard He Can't Eat Or Sleep Or Do His Homework. So
They Wont Let Him Come Over Anymore. I Do Have A Great Sense Of Humour. I
Don't Know Why The Rec.Humor Group Didn't Like My Chicken Joke. Maybe
They Only Like Dirty Stuff. Some People Sent Me Posts About My 56 Posts
Of The Joke And They Used Bad Words.
August 13 -
I Sent Another Post To Every Usenet Group On The
Internet Asking Where The Ftp.Netcom.Com Is. I Had Forgot Yesterday To
Include My New Signature File Which Is Only 8 Pages Long. I Know
Everyone Will Want To Read My Favourite Poem So I Included It. I'm Also
Going To Add That Short Story I Like.
August 14 -
Some Guy Suspended My Account Because Of What I Was
Doing. I Told Him I Don't Have An Account At His Bank. He's So Dumb
Top 10 Ways Microsoft Would Change
The Auto Business
10. New Seats Would Require Everyone To Have The Same
Butt Size.
9.We Would All Have To Switch To Microsoft Gas.
8.The U.S. Government Would Be Forced To Rebuild All
Of The Roads For Microsoft Cars; They Will Drive On The Old Roads, But
They Run Very Slowly.
7.The Oil, Alternator, Gas And Engine Warning Lights
Would Be Replaced By A Single 'General Car Fault' Warning Light.
6.Sun Motor systems Would Make A Car That Was
Solar-Powered, Twice As Reliable And Five Times As Fast, But Would Run
On Only 5% Of The Roads.
5.You Would Be Constantly Pressured To Upgrade Your
Car.
4.You Could Have Only One Person In The Car At A
Time, Unless You Bought A Car95 Or Cant-But Then You Would Have To Buy
Ten More Seats And A New Engine.
3.Occasionally, Your Car Would Die For No Apparent
Reason And You Would Have To Restart It. Strangely, You Would Just
Accept This As Normal.
2.Every Time The Lines Of The Road Were Repainted,
You Would Have To Buy A New Car.
1.People Would Get Excited About The New Features Of
The Latest Microsoft Cars, Forgetting That These Same Features Had Been
Available From Other Car Makers For Years!
A Computer Operator Says As She Is Lifting An Rp06
Disk Pack From The Drive:
"Gee, How Much Does One Of These Weigh?"
"It Depends On How Much Data Is On The Disk," Was The
Reply.
The Operator Believed It...And In All Likelihood, So
Will Some of Those Reading This Joke.
While Working As A Student
Operator At Michigan Tech. One Particularly Trying Afternoon, The
Computer Was Merrily Crashing For A Number Of Reasons. After About Four
Such Spectacles, We Broadcast That The Computer Would Be Down For The
Remainder Of The Afternoon. There Was A Resigned Groan From The Users
And They Began To File Out Of The Centre, Except For One Comely Young
Woman With Wide Blue Eyes Who Wandered Up To The Counter And Queried:
"What’s Wrong With The Computer?" Too Tired And Irritated To Give Her A
Straight Answer, I Looked Her Straight In The Eye And Replied: "Broken
Muffler Belt." A Look Of Deep Concern Wafted Into Her Expression As She
Asked: "Oh, That’s Bad. Can You Call Midas?"
I Work For University Computing Services Answering
Questions About Any And All Aspects Of Computing Here, And As A Result I
Run Into Some Truly Astonishing Mental Densities...
A Few Excerpts From
The Helpdesk:
Caller: "What’s The Name For When You’re Entering
Data Into The Computer?"
HD: "Data Entry."
Caller: "Thank You!"
Overheard In A Student Computer Lab: Client (Raising
Hand And Waving Frantically): "The Computer Says ‘Enter Your Name And
Press Return.’ What Do I Do??" Lab Assistant: "Enter Your Name And Press
Return." Client (As If A Revelation Has Struck): "Oh!"
Another Friend Of Mine In A Similar Situation Reports
Having A Student In The Lab One Day, Who Had To Abort Out Of The Set
Password Sequence Because He Couldn’t Think Of A Six-Letter Word.
When I Worked For A Company That Had A Contract With
3m, 3m Had Asked Me To Write Them A Memo Describing Why We Were
Having Problems With Diskette Failures. I Said In The Memo That The
Disks Were Failing Due To Head Crashes. "If The Customers Would
Just Clean Their Heads Periodically, We Wouldn’t Have These Problems,"
I Said In The Memo. One Customer Responded With "What Kind Of
Shampoo Do You Recommend?"
An End-User Hotline Received A Call About A Bad
Software Disk. They Asked The Customer To Make A Copy Of The Disk
And Mail It In To The Hotline.
A Few Days Later, They Received A Letter With A
Mimeographed Copy Of The Disk. Since It Was A Double-Sided Disk, Both
Sides Of The Disk Had Been Photocopied.
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER
FOR TOO LONG...
-
When you get in the elevator and double-click the
button for the floor you want.
-
When you dream in 256 palettes of 256
colours.
-
When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to
get to the next page.
-
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that
damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you
ignore her.
Spinebill
